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The Auto Club/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Man! You know on cold days like these you end up looking around your house for ear muffs, then you remember how you ripped 'em in half to use as coasters for the piano legs? Well, don't panic. Here's a way you can make your own ear muffs. Get yourself a couple of cottage cheese containers. Seem to have a lot of these around our house. I don't know why. I don't eat cottage cheese or anything else you scrape off a cottage. Then what you wanna do is hook these together with a croquet hoop. Actually, just like this. I suppose I could've done this with a coat hanger, but, you know, I like to go high end whenever I can. Now, you need to put something inside the containers to keep your ears warm. How about insulation? There's a no-brainer, huh? You can go r-12 with these or r-24. Actually, if you're fighting mike tyson, you might wanna use steel wool. [ shouting ] and it's just -- I say it's just that simple. I'll tell you, your ears'll never be warmer. Or itchier! [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Boy, I do appreciate that, but to be honest with you, it's been kind of a rough day at the lodge. Possum van broke down right in the middle of town, and it was rush hour, so I held up two other vehicles. I mean the van's a bit finicky, but I can usually get her going. I mean, wiggle the ignition wires under the dash there, or empty a 3 ought 3 into the carburator. But boy, nothing seemed to work on her. We ended up having to push the van all the way back here to the lodge. [ groaning ] [ applause ] you know, I went to set the emergency brake on the van, but it was already on. I wonder if that's why the van was so hard to push? No, no, no, the emergency doesn't work on that thing. I leave it on for show. You guys look a little sore. You all right? Well, we are sore 'cause, see, we were on the outside pushing while you were on the inside driving. Yeah, but don't forget, the power steering wasn't working. Why didn't you just call a tow truck? A tow truck? That's 100 bucks, dalton. I can replace the van for 75. Wait a minute. I think I smell an entrepreneurial opportunity here. I don't like it when you smell things. No, what if there was a cheaper way for people to get help with their vehicles? Oh, I know, like an auto club. Boy, we could start our own auto club. We could get people to pay five bucks a month, and if they had a problem, they'd call us, and we'd come! Oh, yeah, 'cause we've got enough service vehicles among us. I mean, look at my sewage truck. That thing goes like stink! That thing is stink. You know, I got the k-cars. I use the aries 'cause it's a wagon, and, of course, you can't trust the reliant. You know, you guys may be on to something here. You know, I think it's a great idea. You might think about joining yourself. Yeah, well, you guys get the van running, I'll give you the five bucks. No, no. Nice try. Nice try, red. No, I'm in the sewage business. I take all my money up front. Well, no, I can't pay you until you get running because I need it to take back the empties. [ applause ] it's time to play the possum lodge word game. [ cheering and applause ] and what a great prize. Mike, have you ever won a trip to France? No, no, I haven't! Well, if you ever do, you'll want to take this french-english dictionary with you. Okay, red, you have 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... Yeah, all right, ed. All right! Okay, and go! Okay, mike, this is something you took in school. Uh, bikes? Walkmans? Uh, lunch money? No. Lunches themselves? No, no. Chalk. Mike! Trophies. Uh, light bulbs. Overhead projectors. Those are heavy. No, no, mike. No, okay, this is why you had to cram. Oh, to get everything in my backpack. This is something you had to pass to get out of school. Oh, okay. The hall monitor. Think of a big room, lots of desks, lots of students in there. Nobody's allowed to talk. Detention? This is a test, and you had to pass this test, or you wouldn't graduate. Oh, oh, the polygraph! You're almost out of time, red. I can't believe you graduated high school. How did you pass? I cheated on every exam. There we go! Yes! Yes! [ applause ] hey, harold! C'mon, let's go. What? What? What? Let's go. What? No, hey, no! No I work here now. This is where I work. I'm working here now. Oh, everybody's in a suit here. You all dress the same. Nobody's gonna notice that one suit is gone. Now, come on. We are not all just suits. Each and every one of us is an independent functioning individual. Just because we all happen to dress well and work in a corporate environment that's similar to every corporate enviro -- where do you wanna take me, anyway? Up to the lodge, of course. Oh, no, no. I'm not going to the lodge. What's so important I have to go now? Well, harold, we've come up with this great idea. Everybody's all for it. We're ready to go. And? Here, let me tell you. We got no opposition, harold. We've got no different point of view. You know how you used to play devil's advocate, you'd pretend you didn't like those ideas I came up with? I wasn't pretending. They were bad ideas. They were all bad. You never had a good idea. Just bad ideas. What's the idea you have now? We're thinking about turning the lodge into a part-time daycare centre for pre-schoolers. No, no, no! See, that's a bad idea. That's bad on so many levels. Well, this is exactly what I'm talking about, this disapproval thing. We need this. No, uncle red, the lodge members, they're incompetent, they're irresponsible, they're dangerous. They don't know a thing about watching over children. This is great. This is great. You have a real knack for this kind of thing. Uncle red, you've gotta have government forms. It's gotta be legal. All sorts of stuff! Just come up to the lodge with me, and tell the guys this stuff, eh? They need to hear all this, harold. Come on. Come on. Do you think I'll really be able to change someone's point of view? No, no, but just knowing you're against this makes us all feel so much better. That's the important thing. [ applause ] oh! Oh! Red green. Welcome. Yeah. You are welcome here, sir. Listen, can I bounce something off you? It's not an animal, is it? No. Please. I'm thinking of installing fire alarms in all the trees. That way, if there's ever a fire, the animals themselves would have the power to save their own homes. Gord, you know, it's not good to spend your whole life alone. No, you're right. I bet the animals would pull the alarm just to get attention. Fire or no fire, I bet you the squirrels would pull it if they were having trouble finding nuts. Yeah, they're so anal, you know. No, I'm abandoning the whole fire alarm idea. Okay, that's a start. Yep. I'm going to go with a heat-activated water sprinkler system. Totally automatic. That way the animals wouldn't have to pull anything. Okay, gord, do you ever take a break from this job? Vacation or a long weekend, holiday, that kinda thing? Does lightning take a break, red? Does fire take a holiday? Do you think I want to do this job? How long do you think it's been since I had a pay cheque? Take a guess! I have no -- take a guess!! Seven -- never had a pay cheque! Never, ever! They gave me the uniform. They said, "here, try it out for a month." then they said, "see you later, bud." oh, yeah. You mean you've been working for free here for 18 years? That's right, red. And why do you think I would've done that, mr smarty pants? Lack of altern -- because I care! Because I care about people like you, about the animals, about those things that burn out there. I've given my life for your safety. And all I ask for is some lousy water sprinklers, and all you tell me is no. No, no, no. No, I'm just saying this is not -- [ weeping ] gord, gord, I want you to come back with me now, and I want you to be with people for a little while. No, I can't, red. I'm sorry, I can't. It's coming into the dry season, and I've got a lot of canned corn left. Only a few years left before it's expiring. No, as much as I'd like to go with you, I can't. I can't leave the tower, not for anything. Not for you, not for anyone. Really? 'cause bernice has lined up a girl she'd like you to meet. Really? What's she like? Well, she's real. Good enough. I know if any of you guys are like me, when you were a kid, you just dreamed about driving a dump truck, didn't you, eh? And a lot of you guys, as you got older, you had to abandon your childhood dreams, and the rest of you are bachelors. So I thought, as a public service this week, I would show you how to turn an ordinary car into a dump truck. This car actually has two things that make it the perfect dump truck... Front-wheel drive and absolutely no re-sale value. I'll explain about the front-wheel drive in a minute, but first of all, I've got to customize the body a little bit. All right, now, uh, here's the beauty of the creative process. I need something to use as a divider between the driver and the load that I'll be dumping. Now, I'm not just going to head down to the auto supply store with a chequebook 'cause the bank manager warned me about doing that again. No, I'm gonna search for something we can use out of our existing inventory, like, say, this perfectly good trunk lid. All right, uh -- okay, you wanna wear the welding goggles when you do that kind of work. Bernice must've put mine somewhere where I can't find 'em. She doesn't like me welding, ever since we lost the garage. Anyway, now we're ready to actually install the dumping mechanism, and for that, you've gotta put some stuff on the front wheels. Uh, get yourself a couple of extra rims like this, and then you wanna attach some heavy pipe in a criss-cross on the outside edge. Just weld that on there too. Sure wish I had those goggles. See now, these special wheels, once I line them up with a couple of stepladders, they become my dumping mechanism. 'cause when I throw her in drive, the special wheels climb the ladder, see? That's why the car had to be front-wheel drive. I know what you're thinking. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to dump. I wanna talk to you older guys who maybe feel bad because you don't have a lot of fancy things, no big mansion on the hill; no fancy six-figure luxury car; no shirts with a collar. You know, when people spend a lot of money on something, they call that conspicuous consumption. I don't understand it. First of all, consumption, I believe, is a disease that took my great-grandmother out of town. And the last thing I would want to be is conspicuous. You know, that's the reason I dress like this rather than like liberace. And there's other reasons too. But to me, the sign of wealth is not how much money you spend, it's how much money you waste. Because, like, a big house or a fancy car or even art, well, that has value. That's worth something. You know, that's an investment. That's for cowards! Your real high-roller buys crap. So when somebody tells you about some guy with a rolls royce and a 12-bedroom palace, or something, you just show him your garden weasel and your thigh-master and your star trek plates. And you can just say, "yeah, they're not worth anything, "but you know what? "I don't care." remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ phone ringing ] hello, possum lake auto club. Yeah. Well, what's it doing? You put gas in it? Holy cow, that's a lot of gas! Yeah, that could catch on fi -- it has? Okay, you better call a fire truck because you -- it is a fire truck? Okay, well, someone will be right over, okay. Junior singleton needs a service call. Says the fire truck's on fire again. Well, how does that affect us, dalton? We're an auto club. Well, junior says it's an ignition problem. Well, I'm not going over there. I've been up all night doing service calls, for crying out loud. Well, somebody better go over there. Well, somebody's gonna go over there. All right, fine. I'll get winston to go. All right. We gotta re-think this whole auto club. First of all, 24 hours a day? [ phone ringing ] that's too many hours in too many days. And then we got the actual vehicles. [ phone ringing ] the members, they all got crap vehicles. You gotta have a good vehicle, and you gotta maintain it properly; otherwise, you're not -- and five bucks a month! Hello? Where'd we come up with five bucks? Excuse me, mr green. Not right now, mike, okay? Someone's expecting you. Well, tough beans! I'm not gonna let them rattle my chain. I'm taking the day off. Tell 'em I'm taking the day off. Okay. No, no, wait a minute. Tell 'em I'll come over there when I'm good and ready. And meanwhile, why don't they go suck eggs! Did you hear that? They hung up. Doesn't it feel good to stand up for yourself once in awhile? Well, you better enjoy it while you can. Oh, yeah? Who was that? It was your wife. You were supposed to pick her up at the grocery store. Red: Well, we had a big cookout planned out behind the lodge, mike and dalton and myself. Making a little campfire area there, and we needed some wood, so we had a bunch of axes. Careful now. Careful. Careful. Oh! Here's a safety -- oh. Not sure what kind of wood tha is or what kind of axe that is all right, mike, you give her a go. Stand back, dalton. Can't be too careful around mike. Yeah, it went over in the other area. Look on the ground. It should be -- there it is. Not sure how we're gonna get that, uh, tree down. Can't have a fire without wood okay, dalton, you give her a go. He's a little shaky. Dalton, no, don't! Okay, well, there's our wood. Okay, now, we had all the vegetables, and mike was bringing the meat. Boy, there's enough for all of us there. There's nothing like fresh pork, is there? We had the corn and the potatoes and the beans and everything. We're wondering how we're gonna cook this. You gotta be creative, and these were crutches from our earlier adventure. You stick them in the ground, one on each side of the campfire. And then what you do is you ru a hockey stick right through - see that's -- and then to keep her warm, you put her on top, see. So all we gotta do now, of course, is, uh -- what've you got there, mike? And apple for us for the pig's mouth. Oh, okay, okay, great. So we're all set. Okay, mike, good idea. You brought the pig, so away you go. Away you go. Oh, yeah. We can't cook him alive, mike away you go. Come on, away you go. Go on. Oh, for gosh sake. All right. All right, dalton, you get it. Come on, dalton, just give it a quick one, and it's over with. Come on. Away you go. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on, you can do it. You can do it. Oh, for gosh sakes. What? Oh, yeah. All right. All right. All right. Boy, I tell you, it all worked out in the end. It was a great day, and what a great meal we had. Just something about the comraderie of the whole deal. Everybody had a good meal. This is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. Joining me today is dalton humphrey. What can I do for you, dalton? Well, red, I was hoping you could unjam this gum ball machine. Boy, I didn't know you had gum balls at the everything store. No, no, I don't. No, this is from the mall. Yep, my quarter got stuck in it. Trying to get a gum ball out, the machine jammed. Now I got no gum ball; I got no quarter. Well, put her up on the bench. I'll see what I can do. You got your, uh -- almost looks like you got your thumb caught in there, dalton. Maybe. Well, I can see the coin. Don't you just wanna smash it in a million pieces? This might just -- there we go. Got it. That's not a quarter. That's a penny! Well, will you look at that, huh? That's how you wrecked it. You jammed a penny in there because you're too cheap to put a quarter in. Holy mackerel. You know what must've happened? I must've accidentally put a penny in, when I was going for a quarter. Oh, oh, yeah. Here's the quarter right here. That's what must've happened. I used the wrong coin. I'm gonna use it to get your thumb outta there, dalton. Easy, easy, yep. Okay, yep, yep, yep. Oh, yeah, she's working great. That's my gum! Oh, sorry. Well, okay. We're having a disagreement about the whole auto club. Boy, the van breaks down, he calls the auto club, which he's the boss of, and then he makes us push the van all the way back into town again. Well, I'm not just the auto club president, I'm also a client. [ laughter and applause ] yeah, but that's the customer taking advantage of the merchant, which is a complete reversal of the entrepreneurial spirit. I don't understand why we need an auto club anyway. I mean, when my car doesn't go, I just hot wire another one. Yes, mike, but for those of us who don't enjoy prison food, I think we maybe have to come up with a better solution, guys. Well, I think we should just abandon the auto club. Oh, no refunds, though. I'm not giving people their money back. Oh, no, we'll just tell 'em to get jumper cables and a can of gas and let 'em solve their own darn problems. Yeah, they can help one another out. Exactly. I mean, geesh, on any given day, surely there's one car around here that works. That's so beautiful. I mean, can you imagine a world where people help one another without charge of money? That only happens in disaster movies. Well, I don't think we could make that big a disaster. Well, the show's getting there. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Let's go, guys. Okay, you guys go -- I'll be down in a sec. Um, if my wife is watching, um, sorry I didn't pick you up at the grocery store there. We're having a problem with the phones. Apparently there's a little phrase that's kind of a random -- just comes onto the line. Apparently -- they tell me it's the digital convergence to an analogue source on a rotary phone, so it's possible that you might've heard what you thought was me saying, "go suck eggs." so -- but I -- but I've looked into it, and -- and I found the problem. And it won't happen again. I promise. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com okay, everybody sit down. Sit down, guys. Come on. Sit down. Everybody down. All rise! All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if have to, I guess. But if your tire needs a change, you can do it yourself. Amen!